Nelson and Lisette
by Gaelcelt
Summary: Adapted from a script that I wrote for drama class. Simpsons a la Shakespeare. A heartbreakingly tragic story this. Let's just say that it's a "remote death".


These characters are not mine.

In drama class during my sophomore year in high school, I wrote a script, from which this is derived. This was probably the clearest (and funniest) part of the skit! O Never was there a story of more woe, than this of Lisa and her Nelson. 

By the way, most of it is false Shakespeare.

* * *

_  
At the House of Simpson_

"HA HA HA HA HA HA !" Bart laughed, towering over Nelson's unconscious body. He'd just beaten Nelson in a brawl in the backyard.

"AAHH! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?"

Bart, distracted for a moment from laughing, looked up to see Lisa standing in the doorway, her face filled with horror.

"Ah, we killed your boyfriend sis, ha ha!"

"Nelson, oh my beloved Nelson!" Lisa stood over him, sobbing, "Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath!"

Bart's smile faded and he stared at her like she'd lost her mind. "What's wrong with you stupid? He's not..." 

Lisa didn't seem to hear him and carried on. "My dearest love, oh why hast thou suffered this fate! You could have given me a chance to say goodbye! My sweet, sweet Nelson, I could have joined thee in death!"

Bart bristled. Indignant, he shouted "Lisa you idiot, people are looking, now stop that!"

Lisa snapped out of it for a moment. "Shut up Bart, so I can say good bye to him!" And then went back into her little trance.

Bart rolled his eyes. "I don't find this funny anymore," he muttered. "Liiisaa! You are such an ignoramus, he's not...!"

But she was deaf to him. "Oh dear, dear Nelson, I shalt join thee in Heaven. Pure, kind Lord, carry me to heaven where my beloved awaits me." She whipped out a t.v. remote when her parents barged in.

"LISA! NOOOOO!" Marge screamed.

"You heard them you moron," Bart snapped, "Now put that down!"

"Alas, no." she responded. "My kind, sweet family, farewell.

Marge shrieked at the sight of her child committing suicide. "Lisa, nooooo, please nooo! Don't do it!"

"Stop, Lisa, put down the remote, you'll get blood all over it!" Homer didn't seem to be worried about Lisa. Only about the remote.

"Farewell to thee, my noble family, how I shalt miss thee." Lisa half-sobbed.

Nelson suddenly came to. "Lisa, what are you doing?"

Lisa, not realizing that he was all right, answered with "Goodbye my darling Nelson, I shalt see thee in death."

Nelson eyed her. "Lisa? Are you all right? You're acting strange."

"On my deathbed, I must...Oh!" she suddenly saw that he was all right. "NELSON!" She lunged at him. "MY DEAREST LOVE! Thou art alive!" she squealed, almost squeezing Nelson to pulp. "Oh I've miss..." she stopped, realizing Bart and her parents were watching "...I-I mean, um...er, what a pleasant surprise!"

It was too late. Everyone burst out laughing.

"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! THAT was great sis!" Bart crowed. Marge and Homer were laughing to hard to speak.  
Lisa blushed, mortally embarrassed, screamed "STOP THAT!" But they laughed harder. "Please stop that!" But the more indignant and the redder Lisa got, the more they laughed. "I don't see what's so funny!" she squeaked. 

_"You're_ what's so funny!" Bart shot at her.

"Mooom!"

"Oh, I'm sorry sweetheart but it's so,... hee hee" Marge cracked up.

"Now everybody, we should,... snicker, giggle" Homer cracked too.

"Everybody, stop laughing at Lisa- AAHH HA HA HA HA!" Even Nelson joined in.

Lisa, surrounded by her cackling family and her boyfriend, humiliated, far beyond her breaking point, stabbed herself with the remote.

"LISA!" They screamed almost simultaneously.

"MAYBE THAT'LL TEACH YOU A LESSON!" Lisa cried out, dying. "Goodbye cruel world, goodbye dear Nelson, goodbye stupid ol' Bart..."

"HEY!"

Lisa continued, "Farewell Nelson, Mom and Dad...AAACCCKKK-K-K-K!" She was dead!

"LIISAAA!" The cry seemed to hover in the air.

"WHAT HAVE WE DONE?" Marge howled

Homer slapped his forehead. "D'OH!"

"SIS! LISA!" Bart yelped.

"OH MY DARLING, MY DARLING!" wailed Nelson. "WHAT WILL WE DO?"

Bart looked about. "Um, guys, we're outside, and we're uhhh... we're drawing a crowd." but nobody seemed to notice his observation.

"MY DAUGHTER! OH WHAT WILL WE DO?" wailed Marge.

_YOUR_ DAUGHTER? SHE'S MINE TOO?" Homer rebuffed her.

"Actually, I had an..." Marge said softly and sadly before she realized what she was saying and shut up.

"WHAT?" shrieked an incredulous Homer.

"NEVER MIND THAT! WHAT WILL WE DO?" Marge cried, clearly distraught.

"MY GOD! LISA! HOW COULD WE HAVE LET HER DO THIS?" Nelson looked at her lifeless body in grief and said tenderly, "My darling, my only love, thou hast spread thy wings to Heaven. I shalt not endure life without thee." He stabbed himself to death with the remote. "LISA, IF THOU ART UP THERE, PREPARE THYSELF FOR ME!"

"NELSON!"

"FARE THEE WELL MY FRIENDS, Death invades me," moaned Nelson, "death invades me..." his body went limp, collapsing on Lisa.

Marge was in anguish by now. "AAAAAAAA! NOOOOO! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING. MY DAUGHTER! PLEASE DEATH, DO NOT TAKE HER FROM ME! I SHANT STAND FOR THIS, MY SWEET DAUGHTER WRENCHED FROM ME!" Sobbing and distraught, she took the remote from Nelson and stabbed herself.

"MAAAARRRGGGE!" It was Homer's turn for agony.

Bart was terrified. "MOOOOOOOOOMMM!"

"GOODBYE! I shalt see thee at the other side when thou art the next to die. Remember me, but, Oh, forget my fate..." her was was huskier, weaker... she was gone!

"MAAAARRRRGGGE!"

"MOOOOOOOOOOMM!"

The anguished trance that overtook Lisa had now taken Homer. "O MY LOVE, MY WIFE, DEATH THAT HATH SUCKED THE HONEY OF THY BREATH HATH TORN THEE FROM ME! HOW SHALL I ENDURE LIFE WITHOUT..."

Bart interrupted him, mortified by the gathering crowd around the backyard fence. "Stop talkin' in Shakespeare! Look at this! The neighbors are lookin' at us...!"

Homer broke from the trance, "SHUT UP, I'M SAYIN' GOODBYE TO YOUR MOTHER!" and resumed his soliloquy, "THIS MONSTER DEATH IS TO KEEP THEE AS HIS PARAMOUR! HERE, HERE I SHALL REMAIN WITH WORMS THY CHAMBERMAIDS...!"

Bart made a face, "Eww."

"O HERE I WILL SET UP MY EVERLASTING REST AND SHAKE THE YOKE OF INAUSPICIOUS STARS FROM THIS..."

Bart snarled "Dad, stop that!"

Homer didn't pay any notice to him "...WORLD-WEARIED FLESH! HERE'S TO OUR LOVE!"

Homer grabbed up the remote and...

Bart panicked and grabbed his father's arm, "NOOOOOOO!" he screamed.

"TRY TO STOP ME, WILL YOU?"

"DON'T DO IT!"

Homer threw his son off. "ALAS, I MUST! GET THEE HENCE!" his own chest soon covered with scarlet gore.

"DAAAAAADD!"

"GOODBYE SON, GOODbye football, goodbye doughnut, goodbye beer, goodbye bar, goodbye life..." he died.

Bart screamed. "WHY LORD! WHY DOST THOU TORMENT ME THUS?" He picked the remote up. "OH DEAR GOD, ALLOW ME TO SEEK OUT MY FAMILY IN THY CELESTIAL KINGDOM. MAYST I DIE, TO SLEEP ETERNALLY IN THY HEAVENLY LIGHT!" He stabbed himself as deeply as he could. "OH DEAR LORD, I AM THINE. ALLOW ME TO ENTER THE GATES OF HEAven , so I may seeketh my- family." He collapsed in the heap, dead.

Lisa jumped up, laughing. "Hee hee hee! I gotchaAAAAAAAA!" She stared at the bodies in horror.

"OH NO! WHAT HAVE I DONE? DEAR GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE? MY FAMILY! ...ANCIENT DAMNATION, THOU DOTH MOCK ME FOR HAVING CARRIED OUT SUCH A TASK! MY DEAR, DEAR FAMILY, PLEASE DEATH, DO NOT TAKE THEM FROM ME! I SHALT NOT FACE LIFE WITHOUT THEM!"

Her eyes rested on the remote control. Eagerly she grabbed it.

"OH HAPPY DAGGER! THIS IS THY SHEATH! THERE RUST AND LET ME DIE! TRUE FEARS, I'VE FOUND, CARRY ME AWAY, THUS DIE I!" She rammed the remote deep into her flesh! "THUS!" And again. "THUS!" And again. "THUS!" And again. "NOW MY SOUL IS IN THE SKY, I'VE DONE WHAT I'VE RIGHTFULLY DONE, NOW DIE!" She forced the remote in deeper! "DIE!" And deeper. "DIE!" And deeper still.

Her body went limp, collapsing lifelessly on her loved ones. 

God, watching from above, wiped away tears, sighing "'Twas a remote death."


End file.
